Ask Dr. Job’s chief contributor, Sandra Pesmen, is a member of the Chicago Journalism Hall of Fame and author of “DR. JOB’s Complete Career Guide.”

Winner of several journalism awards, Pesmen is a graduate of the University of Illinois Media College at Urbana, and is listed in several Who’s Who editions. She also has been Corporate Features Editor of Crain Communications Inc., founding Features Editor of Crain’s Chicago Business and a reporter/features writer for The Chicago Daily News.

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Give Parents a Little Slack

Q.. I read your recent advice telling children who are forced to live at home after college that they should kiss the hem of their parents' jackets like they're the Godly Pope and be grateful for the food and shelter they get. Perhaps you remember the 60s and 70s when college kids revolted against their parent' way of life. Well, in our view we think it's important to rebel against our parents (those same kids of the 60s now grown up) who waste and spend unnecessarily even on us. I am looking for work in my 30s, and trying to bring awareness to my parents about things they don't want to see, about helping others and change attitudes in America. And doing that, I, like many others can't afford to go out on my own yet.

Ans. I completely understand and in many ways agree with your point of view.  But I think you missed our point. It's fine for young people to live with parents because they can't find jobs, or don't earn enough at jobs they do find You're also right that it is wonderful to help others instead of working for pay. But that's YOUR choice, not your parents, and your parents aren't obligated to feed and house you while you make that decision. The rule is that you grow up in three stages toward adulthood: Dependence, as a child who must get everything from parents 2. Independence, when as a young adolescent and young adult you painfully fight for the right to break away from those parents emotionally, usually through disagreement and arguments. It' painful for you, because you love them, and painful for them for the same reason, but it must be done if you are going to move to the next phase. . Interdependence, After you have broken away and gained your independence, you will be able to return, self sufficient in all ways, and interdepend in a loving good relationship with your parents the rest of the way. Thank your parents for their previous patience.

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